Thoughts

Stop Cock-Blocking Me, Michael Jordan!

Stop being interested in me, Michael!

Look, I know it was only a dream, and that since it was Dream Michael Jordan, and it was in my tiny, confused brain, it has nothing to do with you, the real Michael Jordan. But I still woke up feeling very much like you were responsible for the hurt feelings of Possible Boyfriend.

I appreciate your interest, but I don’t know why you were there to begin with. I haven’t thought about you in years. I mean, I loved the Bulls and everything (who didn’t, Michael?), but I was so young. I barely knew how basketball worked. I was, like, 9 when The Dream Team was three-peating for the second time. Who else was even on that team with you? Scottie Pippen?  Why wasn’t he playing Starting Small Forward to my heart?

The dream started out great. Possible Boyfriend had become, in an adorably awkward conversation/makeout bonanza in my childhood room, For Real Boyfriend, and I was very pleased with that. We were just going to meet for a movie.

What movie?

I don’t know, Michael. Does it matter, really? There were penguins, I think.

The point here is, I sat in the aisle seat waiting for Dream For Real Boyfriend. And you came and sat next to me.

Now I’m not going to be rude. You’re Michael Goddamn Jordan, and you’re pretty awesome. But when Dream For Real Boyfriend showed up, you didn’t move, and you even had your arm around me. NOT COOL. For the first half of the movie, you just sat there, asking me questions about my life, just keeping that giant, slam dunkin’ arm around me. WHAT? People are trying to watch a movie, Michael. A movie they paid for. You can’t just come in and be interested in other people’s lives all up in here!

It was about here that I had to chase Dream For Real Boyfriend out of the theater, because he was pissed.

“I’m sorry! I don’t want to be with Michael  Jordan! I want to be with you! Please don’t leave.”

And then I woke the fuck up.

WHAT? WHAT DID HE DO? Because now I’m awake, and he’s just Possible Boyfriend again. And I need to know how that played out so I can decide whether or not to even bother trying to turn him into For Real Boyfriend. If he walks away from me entirely because Michael Jordan was all up on me. . .am I okay with that?

I mean, its not like I was sitting there with Dennis Rodman.

Who could blame anyone for being mad about this?

What do I do, Michael? Please, just hold me.

D. Rodman photo image courtesy of eurthisnthat.com

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